You rang?

This is the first in a series of posts of transcriptions of what is waiting for me on my answering machine when I return home from work. These are unedited, and exactingly transcribed. Italics are used for slight change in tone, often artifical enthusiasm. The observant reader will notice that these calls all came in at 12AM on Sunday. Not true. The clock on my answering machine is hopelessly fucked. I've reset it - again! - this evening so we can only hope that tomorrow's transcription includes not only who said what, but when.



Machine: You have three messages, three new messages. Message one, Sunday, 12 AM.

Female Voice, human:[the hum of dead air for three beats] Hello? [agitated] Hell-o? *beep*

Machine: Message two, Sunday, 12 AM.

Female Voice (friendly, automated): Hello, this is Heather at Accounts Services and we’re calling in reference to your current credit card account. There’s no problems currently with your account. It is urgent, however, that you contact us concerning your eligibility for lowering your interest rates to as little as 6.9%. Your eligibility expires shortly so please consider this your final notice. Please press one now on your phone to speak with a live operator and lower your interest rates. Or press two to discontinue further notices. Thank you and have a great day. *beep*

Machine: Message three, Sunday, 12 AM.

Female voice (computerized, lifeless): …department, we are trying to reach you. The entry form that you or one of your family members filled out has been chosen. You have won. Con-grat-u-lations. Press one to claim your vacation now. You will be spending six days on a beautiful beach in Cancun and it’s all inclusive. So press one now and enjoy white sand and blue ocean of Cancun. *beep*

Machine: End of messages.