The award for the least erotic passage about the arrival of a hefty, middle aged tutor that contains the most amount of strangely erotic language...

...goes to my boy - and yours - Vlady Nabokov for the following:

"...she settles down with a grunt and thrusts her fists into her skimpy plush muff. At the juicy smack of their driver's lips the two black horses, Zoyka and Zinka, strain their quarters, shift hooves, strain again; and then Mademoiselle gives a backward jerk of her torso as the heavy sleigh is wrenched out of its world of steel, fur, flesh, to enter a frictionless medium where it skims along a spectral road that it seems barely to touch."

from Speak, Memory


Brilliant!