You rang? Part VII

Machine: You have six messages, six new messages. Message one, Thursday, 10:52 AM.

[Dead air for three beats, followed by a short, high pitched “beep” at a three beat interval]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . . *beep*

Machine: Message two, Thursday, 10:53 AM.

[Same as above]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .*beep*

Machine: Message three, Thursday, 11:05 AM.

[Same as above]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .*beep*

Machine: Message four, Thursday, 11:06 AM.

[Same as above]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .*beep*

Machine: Message five, Thursday, 12:30 PM.

Female voice, recorded (distinctly Southern, lilting): Your auto warranty has expired, or will expire shortly. We have sent you several notifications by mail to renew your warranty but you have not responded. Don’t risk driving without this important coverage and protect yourself against the high cost of repairs. Press one to speak with a warranty specialist, or two to disconnect. [Dead air for four beats] *beep*

Machine: Message six, Thursday, 4:49 PM.

Female voice, recorded (marked by artificial enthusiasm): This announcement concerns your eligibility for the government’s new economic stimulus home loan program and the new home loan limits with Freddy Mac, Fannie Mae, and the FHA (the Federal Housing Administration). This stimulus package will help homeowners save hundreds, and possibly thousands, of dollars each month by lowering their private interest rate and help those homeowners that need to get out of an adjustable and in to a thirty year fixed.

Male voice, recorded (a voice marked by a similar artificiality seamlessly picks up the narrative): Please note this is a temporary program and is only available to the end of 2008, so press one now to find out if you are eligible for the government’s new economic stimulus home loan program . These government home loans are federally insured so they are regulated which means they cost less than traditional home loans. With the new guidelines, you may be eligible to refinance your existing home loan and save money no matter what your credit score. Press one now to find out if you are eligible, press three if you wish to be removed from our marketing list. [Dead air for five beats] *beep*

Machine: End of messages.