Inspector Average in...The Trophy Case

Evaluation of subject's trophies found 27 September 2009:

Number of trophies: 7
Number of plaques: 3
Number of trophies/plaques for basketball: 5
Number of trophies/plaques for baseball: 2
Number of trophies/plaques for soccer: 1
Number of trophies/plaques for football: 1
Number of trophies/plaques for neighborhood Olympic competition: 1
Tallest trophy: 16"
Smallest trophy: 5 1/2"
Largest plaque: 4" x 6"
Smallest plaque: 3" x 3"
Average size of trophies: 10.4"
Number of trophies/plaques awarded for first place: 2
Number of trophies/plaques awarded for second place: 2
Number of trophies/plaques awarded for third place: 1
Number of trophies/plaques awarded for simply participating: 5
Number of trophies in faux gold: 6
Number of trophies in faux silver: 1

From this we can deduce that the years our subject participated in sports were 1983 to 1993. The number of trophies/plaques per year may broken down as follows:

1983 - 1
1984 - 0
1985 - 1
1986 - 0
1987 - 3
1988 - 0
1989 - 2
1990 - 0
1991 - 1
1992 - 0
1993 - 1
(* A basketball plaque goes undated, the details lost to that strumpet, history)


Those are the facts which we've discovered about our subject. Here is how we piece them together. Our subject's most athletic years were between 1987 and 1989, and we'll generously assume that 1988 was just an 'off year' as, indeed, all even years seemed to be in his short career. This would put our subject's most active years at around the 12 -14 year old mark. This spans the period between our subject's purchase of the Fat Boys cassette Crushin with their cover of "Wipe-Out" and Jimi Hendrix's Smash Hits, a must own by all high school freshman. Soon after purchasing the Hendrix album, we feel it is safe to say - and the trophy record reflects this - our subject abandoned his pursuit of athletic glory. Possibly in favor of the air guitar.

Our subject began his sporting career with soccer (1983), moved on to football (1985), with baseball (1987, 1989) and basketball (1987, 1989, 1991, 1993) overlapping. In this he follows a not unusual American trajectory. It is with basketball that he attained his only first place trophies, interestingly one of which came in 1993, his last year of competitive sports. We can assume, addled by back problems in his advanced age, ears ringing from what would by now be an enormous collection of classic rock music, lungs compromised by smoking, he played a surrogate role, nursing the talent of those younger and more nimble than he. We can assume, but we can't be sure.

At some point in his career, we know our subject used the strength shoes. We think it might have been 1989.

For us, the most interesting trophy is a third place trophy in what appears to be a neighborhood Olympic competition. The trophy is sturdy - it still bears a small green sticker that reads "fine marble base made in Italy." It is also, in our estimation, pointless. The only thing more shameful than holding on to a neighborhood trophy is the fact that it is for third place.

This leads us to our conclusion. We can, we think, situate our subject historically as occupying the years at the very beginning of the cult of self esteem. This era, still with us, renders everything in terms of accomplishment. Every individual must be seen as nothing short of a success, participation itself is a triumph, and the physical sign - trophies, grades, honors, places - is all. Without assessment - without figures, letters, numbers, rank - those who have grown up in this age are lost. By the gaps in his collection and the general shoddiness of the trophies themselves, we can assume he wasn't yet fully immersed in this culture. Of course, those gaps might be explained by him being a poor athlete. We, romantically, think that wasn't the case.

We do, however, conclude that our subject was a middling athlete, and his trophies, rather than standing as a testament to success, instead mark - in silver and gold - his mediocrity. Why he has saved these trophies is something that we can't speculate upon. We must admit the effect is ironic, and we think it unintended.

Also it is, we think, safe to assume that in his neighborhood Olympics where he garnered an 11" trophy for third place in the year of our Lord 1987, that there must - simply must - have been only three contestants.