Thursday, March 06, 2008

You rang? Part VII

Machine: You have six messages, six new messages. Message one, Thursday, 10:52 AM.

[Dead air for three beats, followed by a short, high pitched “beep” at a three beat interval]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . . *beep*

Machine: Message two, Thursday, 10:53 AM.

[Same as above]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .*beep*

Machine: Message three, Thursday, 11:05 AM.

[Same as above]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .*beep*

Machine: Message four, Thursday, 11:06 AM.

[Same as above]: BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .BEEP. . .*beep*

Machine: Message five, Thursday, 12:30 PM.

Female voice, recorded (distinctly Southern, lilting): Your auto warranty has expired, or will expire shortly. We have sent you several notifications by mail to renew your warranty but you have not responded. Don’t risk driving without this important coverage and protect yourself against the high cost of repairs. Press one to speak with a warranty specialist, or two to disconnect. [Dead air for four beats] *beep*

Machine: Message six, Thursday, 4:49 PM.

Female voice, recorded (marked by artificial enthusiasm): This announcement concerns your eligibility for the government’s new economic stimulus home loan program and the new home loan limits with Freddy Mac, Fannie Mae, and the FHA (the Federal Housing Administration). This stimulus package will help homeowners save hundreds, and possibly thousands, of dollars each month by lowering their private interest rate and help those homeowners that need to get out of an adjustable and in to a thirty year fixed.

Male voice, recorded (a voice marked by a similar artificiality seamlessly picks up the narrative): Please note this is a temporary program and is only available to the end of 2008, so press one now to find out if you are eligible for the government’s new economic stimulus home loan program . These government home loans are federally insured so they are regulated which means they cost less than traditional home loans. With the new guidelines, you may be eligible to refinance your existing home loan and save money no matter what your credit score. Press one now to find out if you are eligible, press three if you wish to be removed from our marketing list. [Dead air for five beats] *beep*

Machine: End of messages.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

You rang? Part VI

Machine: You have one message, one new message. Message one, Wednesday, 10:16 AM.

Male voice, recorded (nasal, sounds almost congested -- perhaps the natural result of a deviated septum? Poor diction; the words run together, except for those stressed): This is Richard Helms with Trans Congated Corp. at (888) 471-9828. I’m calling regarding your credit card balances in the middle of payments that are going out. It’s imperative that you call me back. You now qualify for the debt reduction allowance program. Again, my name is Richard Helm [no ‘s’ the second time – ed], and my phone number is (888) 471-9828. And it is imperative that you give me a call. *beep*

Machine: End of messages.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

You rang? Part V

Machine: You have one message, one new message. Message one, Tuesday, 11:25 AM.

[Dead air for three beats.]

Machine: End of messages.

Monday, March 03, 2008

You rang? Part IV

Machine: You have one message, one new message. Message one, Monday, 6:03 PM.

Male voice (recorded; youthful; hurried, but not offensively so. Almost unassuming): [beat…audible inhalation] Hi, this is Sean Peterson with Nationwide Debt Relief. Due to the country’s current financial problems we have teamed up with a group of non-profit organizations to help Americans consolidate all of their insecure debts including credit cards and personal loans into one low monthly payment. And for a limited time reduce your interest rates as little as 1.9%. Stop the harassing collection calls, avoid bankruptcy, and lower your monthly payments. [Inaudible] your statements and call us today (866) 480-5213; again that’s (866) 480-5213. Press one to repeat this message, press two to leave a message, or press nine to be removed from our calling list. *beep*

Machine: End of messages.